Old Soul Weariness

My soul age was channeled as being 5th old. Everything around me seems so surreal, I've been a very sensitive person all my life, I feel so disconnected from everything, I'm extremely confused. I can't understand people, they are out there talking and doing stuff, while I'm in bed all day tired and weary of life, reading esoteric stuff on the internet. I hope this is my last life, by the Michael teachings I still have 2 levels to accomplish, but I just feel like "been there, done that" about all. I really don't want to continue living. I'm sorry if it sounds depressing to you, but it's just the way things are, maybe some of you can relate.

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Thank you for posting and your honest sharing of where you are at.
I can relate to your world weariness and exhaustion. I too have, and often struggle, with the ills of the world. 

I empathise with you being a sensitive soul. As a Sensitive, I wonder if you are also a Mystic as they often go together. 
Many Mystics have shared their experiences of not only their knowing of spiritual realities, but also what has become known as the Dark Night of the Soul.
You may find that you can recognize something of the Dark Night in your own experience. 

Ioana, of course, I don't know you at all - so please ignore anything I write that you find irrelevant, or doesn’t fit with you. And feel free to challenge or reject outright anything that I say.
I am wanting to respond to you, and as I'm saying quite a lot, if it seems I'm overloading you with ideas - please don't try to take it all in at one time.
I'm wanting to reach out to you as another journeyer on the road, and with this electronic medium I'm not sure what touches you or what does not at all.  

May I ask what age you are? I'm asking because each age and stage have its developmental challenges. So I'm wondering where you are in the phases of life 
- teens or 20's starting out, in middle age 30s-50s, or older and looking back.
Do you live with family or friends or on your own? Do they know what you are going through? Do you have good enough support?

But whatever age, and whatever the type or level of support you have, I strongly hope and believe it is important and even possible for you to get help to lift your spirits and aim to move to a more peaceful state and reach some equilibrium.

One of the most heartening aspects of my own learning about others who struggle with the Dark Night is that by their use of will, their seeking higher awareness and truth, studying, getting the help of a spiritual mentor, and often also being in therapy, they reach new even higher states of awareness, and peace, and even bliss. I do sincerely wish that for you. 

I hope you will seek to find that better place - and to reach for the next best thought up the ladder of human emotion. Please see Abraham channelled by Ester Hicks to learn about the next best thought process. I find it a revelation about human nature.

I'm going to put some other wonderings and thoughts to you for you to consider - even mull over :) Maybe you could experiment and try something once a day that might be soothing to you, and even try out once a week rituals. 

Please Feed your Heart - with Love - do you have a pet - listen to uplifting Music - sit in Nature. Sing! Humm!
Feed your body - see Beauty in inspiring Art, have Bubble Baths, Mediate on a flower, or on a crystal.
Feed your mind - listen to and read spiritual teachers, try Eckhart Tolle, Byron Katie and others. Practice not Thinking. Krishnamurthy invites us to seek the space and silence between two words, the space and silence between two breaths - the space and silence between two thoughts. Ekhart Tolle suggest this is so we can glimpse who we truly are.  

What if you balance your time on the internet with going for a short walk, lying on mother earth, making a cup of tea, playing music, and maybe dance a bit or jump up and down and stamp your feet.

Please know You are not alone. Many sensitive people have walked this path of suffering and shared their journey through the long night and triumphed over what they describe as an existential crisis. 
I must ask you - have you reached out for support. It's too hard on our own. There are people who will stand beside you if you seek them out. Keep looking until you find people who feel right for you. You are likely as I have suggested having a crisis of the spirit, and you may also be depressed.

Would you be able or willing to seek a therapist trained in: 
Spiritual Emergence - see the SEN Network, or  
Psychosynthesis, or 
Jungian, or 
Transpersonal psychologist, or 
An accredited Body Worker - to Balance your male and female energies, release patterns; or
A Nun or other person trained in Spiritual Direction and who is aware of working with the Dark Night of the Soul, or 
Perhaps there is a counsellor also trained in the MT who you can relate to share with.
If you cant afford to pay at this time, then there are often free clinics for student therapist training in these methods and you could make inquiries.

This world exists in polarity, Duality is a conundrum for me. Please don't allow it to persecute you. Champion yourself - Right here: Right Now.
Seek to look behind the veil. Read the Desiderata. Avoid vexatious persons. Please don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater, or your life; or the chance for Joy.

For myself, I have fallen in the pit, then done the hard yards, because the place I was in was harder. I now find peace when I see to look behind the veil of my thoughts, memories, beliefs, attitudes and other mental constructs of the world. 
Truth Love Beauty are the fabric underlying existence and I'm guessing here, but probably all realities. Look to these - not to the mass mind and other people with unconscious behaviours and conversations, pastimes, games, addictions and obsessions. There is no peace for you in that.

Please notice what are you saying to yourself. Is your mind feeding you negative thoughts. Stop them. Let them pass. They're not real, 
It's just the ego/ mind at work - you are more than your thoughts.
I mentioned above to read Abraham - a channelled teacher who says to reach for the next best thought. What is that for you? I encourage you to find out.

The Michael Teachings shows us profound truths - including about our 'human nature' and show that being truly human means living in the positive poles of the overleaves and extinguishing the Chief Feature. This enables us to be in contact with Higher Feeling, Higher Thinking, and Higher Energy/Beauty. 
Ioana - I am convinced it's worth aiming for in your life.

Could I ask have you been like this before, if so what did you do then that helped soothe you. Can you do that now?
What else do you need to add to a healing mix?

I believe there are many cures for what ails us - it's not just the way things are - I'm sure of that. 
I encourage you once again to break this pattern - kick it to the curb - claim truth - beauty - love on your terms. 

What if you were god/the Tao (or the spark of god/ the Tao), what if this was your play - what if you are the star - that it's all here for you, because of you and for you to Know Your Self. And for all the other You's playing their roles.
How would you see yourself in all the roles - Hero? Villain? Damsel? - The Director?

Perhaps You are it all - after-all you are an eternal being living this human life. 

To clarify reincarnation, you yourself will not incarnate again - it is your essence that will. This is your unique life. 
So you are right - when in wishing that this is your last life on earth - it is for all of us. 
But for the cycle of our reincarnational lives - we are a unique and beloved part.

One of my indigenous teachers says all sensitives/healers must also become Warriors - because the paths ultimately converge.
That means as Yogananda said to the woman who was to lead the Self Realisation movement on his passing - we have to toughen up.

It may sound disconcerting to us Sensitives to toughen up - but I can assure you it becomes a great joy. To develop firm but flexible boundaries, instead of permeable boundaries, and to not leak energy for every perceived breach. 

You write that you don’t want to continue living - does this mean that you don’t want to keep on living the way you are. 
If it is - then you are yearning to live differently. To feel differently to how you are. Im absolutely sure it is possible for you here and now. 
There is much here to offer you.

I have had some balancing of the books to do in this life. I now try to find my own balance, to Be Happy. I keep a butterfly garden and they have taught me much. 
The butterfly's journey shows us much about transformation. It's a baby in the egg, a youngster as a caterpillar, an evolving essence in the chrysalis, where it all goes to mush before it reforms and transcends into a butterfly. Then it emerges fully fledged full of Beauty and Power and flies on the air and fulfils its life.
I think you too will fly Ioana
You can find peace. 
I'm sure of it. 
The best place to do this is in your breath - and experiencing the energy that enervates your body - in the Now. 

I would say this to you PLEASE DO NOT HARM YOURSELF.

Is there any part of you that that rejects the possibility of you ending your life. Please listen to that part of you - and give it a voice. 

I have offered some suggestions that could assist you to think, feel, act and live life differently. You do have choices.
Then if you don’t want to continue living - then that will be your choice. But it would be a great shame to not explore the other choices. To chose Life over death. 
Then you can die to the old you Now and be reborn and live in peace here in this body in a new way. 
Ending your problems does NOT at all equate to ending your life. They don’t have to be linked together.

Please give life a good go. And if you after that find no peace, no beauty, no truth, no love to sustain you - then you will do as you will.
But please don’t foreshorten the decision - to give it all up - and to end it without have a hard-out go at breaking through your pain.

Your path is unique. Find your Way. Then look out for people who want genuine contact at a deeper/higher level, find true work, play or study that brings you nourishment, a sense of fun, and a smile within.

In some esoteric schools you would be considered on a high path. It is most tricky to navigate the final leg of the journey. (Ask Sir Edmund Hilary who was the first man, with Sherpa Tensing, to climb the highest mountain on this planet. He is from my country).Vigilance is required. Please don’t fall when you are nearly at the goal. A Buddhist centre may be able to help with mindfulness, or paradoxically no mind.

You have probably become accustomed to living with Pain. Instead learn to Be Present to the energy that runs through your etheric body, chakras, aura - as this is truly you. 
You can live in the body in harmony with this physical realm.
This is my hope for you.

You of course are the master of your ship. The decision to summon your strength and courage to stay or go is yours either way.

Please explore every nook and cranny and do not decide prematurely without all the facts so to speak.

Get hold of a MT channel or Tabaash who I write about in another post this week. 
Explore any path that lifts you out of the conditioned pain body and into to your true free body - here and now. 
Yes it is possible to resolve this here and now and is preferred to leaving the body to try to do so. 
I found it quite difficult to read Eckhart Tolle writing about the Pain body and especially for women. I got angry; it seemed unfair. Do you feel angry? 
Can that anger help to be a force for you to take steps to heal you - to gain equilibrium and equipoise as the Hindus put it.

You could go and stay on a retreat with Byron Katie - you can apply to stay for free if you are not working and earning money. Please view her work on the net. 
I recommend her books, especially a Cry In the Desert. Her work is transformative. 

Sai Baba spoke to my husband - who had asked about suffering. Sai said look behind the suffering you will find only Love - look behind Love and you will see creation - look into Creation and you will find Suffering. This is the process of manifestation. Love is the basis. Make Love your goal. Look behind the veil. 
I'm sure you can do it.

I honour your courage in reaching out to this community. Many of us here have had similar feelings to yours.
You are not alone. I en-courage you to call on your guides, your loved ones, on skilled and loving helpers, on your highest intuition. To develop a practice for yourself. 
I don’t think that you are meant to stay stuck in this suffering. Many have gone before us who have shown us the way forward from suffering.

Please keep the faith - whatever yours is. 
Please ret any and all of this for your self in self love - and to honour your choice to come here in this woman's body at this time.

I would say in the indigenous language of my country - Te Reo Maori
"Kia Kaha"
Be Strong

Please know I am doing a Haka for YOU.

Much Love
Fiona
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